Why

[Stonewolf_AOD]

A simple question we have asked since birth. Why? Why does this happen? Why does it do it like this? Why isn't it like this? But most common among the why's is Why me? This is a question I've been asking for some time now. Since I was very young, bad things have happened. At first, people were there to comfort me. They helped me get back up and ready to face the next challenge. Then, right when I came to depend on them, they said they couldn't help me and that I needed to learn to handle things on my own. From that point, I continued to try to lean on someone else when things went wrong. When that stopped working, I began to challenge everything. I couldn't let things just go with the flow. I began to argue with everything, whether I wanted to or not. If I thought they were wrong, I would argue until they gave up. Because of this change, I lost alot. My friends all left me, I began to decline in school work, and I became the loser of my school. This was just the beginning however. Seems as though the bad stuff never stopped happening. Now that I had no one to lean on after spending so long doing it, I didn't know how to deal with these bad things. I created a shell around myself, cut myself off from the world and left to grieve the problems out. My Dad had his anyurisim, leaving him with a scar and a bad memory. My ADD had gotten worse, I was failing all my classes and had lost all but one friend. My family seperated itself from my favorite grandparents and my aunt and uncle from a fight that had gone on since before i was born. I was staying back in the 8th grade and had lost all hope. Suddenly, as if it was out of nowhere, the answer came. Why me? Because you need to learn. I had answered the question I had spent years striving to achieve. These things continued to happen because I hadn't learned my lesson and was trying to do exactly the opposite of what needed to be done. Instead of challenging everything that I thought was wrong, I needed to accept that I was still young and that I needed to learn. Now I am a juinor in high school, I am passing my classes, my Dad has returned as close to normal as can be, people are beggining to see me for who I am, but there are still things that need work. I hope that by working towards learning instead of fighting, I will achieve what I had before, and maybe even become a better person. I hope you enjoyed my story.

[wstein]

Your life story is certainly more dramatic than mine but contains many of the same themes.

I grew up physically protected with a house and two parents. My parents were emotionally absent and socially inept. Other than one uncle, I did not really know any of my relatives. I figured out within a couple of years (or perhaps always knew) that the adults around me did not really know that much and could not help me with my issues. Later I learned that very few are as spiritually aware as I am.

I asked the why question also. In fact I drove that uncle crazy with endless why questions. I came to a different answer. There is no why because there is no actual meaning to it. Things are as they are because that's the way they are. Of course things probably aren't actually as they are as this seems to be just an illusion.

I was sufficiently different that I had few friends and did not have a 'best' friend until adulthood. I definitely developed the sense that I am on my own. I developed industrial shielding techniques and extreme self-reliance in order to survive.

I have so longed for 'quality' companionship. I don't know if that would truly help, but it would make the journey less harsh.

After I became 'established' and self sufficient the worldly sense, I can to see the up and down sides of what I had done. The up side is that I became my own person with fewer really messed up problems. That was really obvious at my high school reunion. On the down side I had shut out much that I could experience. I have since been slowly taking down the protection to regain access to those shut out parts as I am ready to deal with them. I have come to see humans as just doing what is in their nature to do like all the other local wildlife. At the moment, I am working on expressing all of who I am.

Looking back at it now, I can see that I did the best I could with what I had. I, probably like, you were a small child (on the outside) with little resource in a huge world only marginally concerned with my well-being. Sure I made many mistakes, but overall I did pretty well considering. It was the best I could do.

On reading you story, what strikes me it that I gave up trying to 'lean' on anything early on. As perhaps part of your 'lesson', I ask why you kept trying for so long? My intuition is that you are afraid that you are alone.

[Stonewolf_AOD]

technically, thats it. I couldn't help but feel alone when everyone else shut me out. I had been leaning on everyone for so long that i was scared to try anything else. I hesitated to try something new, and i didn't want to change. When I adapted to better suit my situation, I never tried to go back, as I knwe I would be shut out again. I don't really like what you said about the question why, as it throws everything we strive for out the window. If there is no why, no answer to why, then what is left. You throw away so willingly the question that keeps us going in life. Unfortunatly, I cannot judge your decision. You are older and wiser than I am, so I feel that I should just ponder your answer, but nothing more.

[wstein]

Please don't listen to me because I am 'older and wiser'.

I try to say it as I see it. Usually I have considered what I say but even so, I'm not always right. Also my answer is not the only answer.

Please decide your truth for yourself.

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Yes it does throw 'everything we strive for out the window'. The spiritual path is not an easy one. What is left is yourself; naked and without any false sense of security. It forces you to continue going based on who you are and what you want (with little external influence). This of course goes back to the being alone thing.

You will find that I go where my intuition and understanding lead me even if that is an uncomfortable place. I don't particularly like this place either, but it has not lead me to dispair.